Does Finland Exist?

First published April 1, 2009

whatland

Finland: the North Dakota of Central Europe. 130,558 square miles of forest, lakes, cities, and fens. The northernmost agricultural country in the world, and home to 99.99997% of the world’s mosquito population. Yeah, in my travels, I have learned that this is a fairly inconsequential country. One of the few countries on earth where you can fall asleep in the middle of a hockey match. While you’re playing.

Or is it?

And by “Or is it,” I don’t mean “is Finland boring?” I mean “Is Finland a country?” Remember my saying I traveled to Finland? Because I sure as hell don’t. The traveling part not the saying…something.

Equally peculiar is the fact that I’m hard-pressed to find departures to/arrivals from Finland at the local airport. Okay, I was too lazy to actually look, but that’s beside the point.

But Fenris! If there’s no such thing as Finland, then where do Finnish exports come from?

Good question! But first you have to consider: where are these exports exported from? Some quick homework revealed something shocking:

Finland’s Chief Exports

  • Japanese-looking cellphones that are manufactured in China
  • Japanese-sounding power metal bands
  • The Moomin TV series, which was manufactured in Japan. Three times.
  • Japanese girls that spin leeks and sing Finnish polka
  • Star Trek parodies

Everything’s…Japanese? In short, everything that is presumably exported from Finland goes through this system:

finlandjapan

Holy shit, a smoking gun!

In an interview with the New Zealand Herald on March 20th, 2008, Jussi Sydänmaa of the award-winning metal band Lordi claimed that being a superstar in Finland “f****** sucks” (Only Finns are able to vocalize asterisks.)

wtfgraph
Courtesy BBC

I have no idea what this graph means, but I’m sure it has something to do with what I just said. Maybe something to do with the Finnish language. Seriously, umlauts may be awesome, but geez, enough is enough. Ëvërÿ vöwël ïn thë Fïnnïsh längüägë häs ümläüts ïn ït, änd ïn äccördäncë wïth Fïnnïsh läw, ëvërÿ wörd müst cöntäïn ät lëäst fööüürtëën vööwëëls, föör whïïch thëë pëënäältÿÿ ööf vïïööläätïïöön ïïs dëëääth bÿÿ joulutortut.

But Fenris! Why would someone do such a thing?

Two reasons: money (not sure how, but it’s an effective default cop-out for conspiracy theorists,) and to pull an elaborate prank.

There’s been a long-running insult war between Finland and Sweden (allegedly,) lasting well since 1150 AD. It lasted that long because, not only was Finland part of the Swedish Empire until 1809, but because as mentioned, both the Finnish and the Swedish language have really, really long words in them. In 1997, the BBC reported that two Helsinki teenagers died of dehydration while playing the Dozens for over 36 hours. Spectators report that they each completed two rounds.

After 800 years of rule, or roughly one dozen “yo momma” jokes, the Swedish empire lost their land to the Russian Empire, who held on until 1917.

Hold it!

Flash forward to 1939. The Finns got bored, so after a good ol’ traditional 200-degree sauna and a jump in a freezing-cold lake, they decided to have the 1939 Winter War. It took from 1938 to winter 1939 to come to that decision because they had to talk about it first, in Finnish. The results were…well…

winterwar

Wikipedia: always full of lies, no matter what, don’t even argue, now excuse me while I put my hands over my ears.

Clearly, the Russians wanted in on that prank, so they threw a fight in exchange for the land as one package (explaining why there are likely more Finns abroad than in Finland itself, if any.) Imagine the laugh Stalin had when he saw the Swedes try to argue with an empty Finland-shaped hole! His moustache must’ve curled with delight. They probably still have the whole land in their palaces somewhere.

finlandtrees

Spread the truth. You know it’s the truth because you just read it without hearing any contradictory information.

11 comments

  1. Is this supposed to be funny or something? It’s neither funny, nor informative. People have been making fun of our country for years. 99.99997% of supposed ‘jokes’ show nothing except the ignorance of the writer. This is a perfect example and one of the worst attempts I’ve seen at trying to be humorous. The only thing worth a laugh is when a foreigner comes to our country and then thinks that he (or she) is qualified to make a stupid blog post like this.

    Enjoy your ignorance, it must be convenient.

    • Actually as a former Finn myself (naturalized American now, but still), I write a bit from personal experience. I’m perfectly secure having a laugh at my own expense. :)

      • shut the fuck up you finnish cunt you don’t exist you are a secret swedish spy sent to america to test the mind control developed by the russo-japanese labs hidden in the forests. YOU DON’T EXIST YOU WERE INDOCTRINATED AND BRAINWASHED.

      • The moomins are in on it too.

  2. yea i’m from finland and i can confirm it’s not real please send help

  3. Oh please, not the butthurts again. I thought this was funny and everyone should be able to laugh at themselves every once in a while!

    However: As stated in the picture of wiki article, The Winter War started in november 1939 and ended in march 1940, unless we somehow are a year ahead of everyone else. And correct spelling for “good lingonberry mash” is “hyvää puolukkasurvosta”. Everything else is correct and very realistic!

  4. Salla Suomalainen April 7, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    I am from Finland and I can confirm that everything you said was true. And sadly what we’re hiding beneath all those miles of forest… Is rye bread. Please dont steal it.

  5. hi. when you said that swedish has equally long words as finland it’s not really true. swedish belongs in entirely different language family (north germanic) which means swedish has quite same-lenght words as english etc. whereas finnish language belongs to uralic language family which is known for its long words and ability to but many individual words together to make really long but legit words. i hope you can understand my english.

  6. This is hilarious I don’t find any reason why people would hate this blog, its very funny and all i can do is spread it a round! I laughed so hard reading this and do every time i do read it again.

    Thank you for making this that is all can say about it.

  7. I thought it was excellent tongue-in-cheek humor myself… You did however forget Finland’s #1 export: Linus Torvald!

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